This his how to write a complaints letter.
As published on ‘The Fishy’, a Grimsby Town fans’ forum:
'Dear Players of Grimsby Town FC
'I am writing with regard to my absolute astonishment and disbelief as
to the sheer magnitude of your complete lack of talent and failure to
carry out the job for which you are paid to do. I am not aware of any
swear word or other derogatory phrase in my current vocabulary which
comes close to a description of your ‘performance’ (and I use that term
loosely) this afternoon, but let me just say that you have collectively
reached a level of inadequacy and ineptitude that neither I nor modern
science had previously considered possible.
'In fact I recall a time, in my youth, when I decided to call in sick at
work and instead spent the entire day in my one bedroom flat wearing
nothing but my underpants, eating toast and w***ing furiously over
second-rate Scandinavian porn. Yet somehow, I still managed to
contribute more to my employer in that one Andrex-filled day than you
complete bunch of toss-baskets have contributed to this club in your
entire time here.
'I would genuinely like to know how you pathetic little p*flaps sleep
at night, knowing full well that you have taken my money and that of
several thousand others and delivered precisely fk all in return. I
run a business myself, and I believe I could take any 4,000 of my
customers at random; burn down their houses, impregnate their wives and
then dismember their children before systematically sending them back in
the post, limb-by-limb, and still ensure a level of customer
satisfaction which exceeds that which I have experienced at Blundell
Park at any time so far this season.
'You are a total disgrace, not only to your profession, not only to the
human race, but to nature itself. This may sound like an exaggeration,
but believe me when I say that I have passed kidney stones which have
brought me a greater level of pleasure and entertainment than watching
each of you worthless excuses for professional footballers attempt to
play a game you are clearly incapable of playing, week-in, week-out.
'I considered, for a second, that I was perhaps being a little too
harsh.
But then I recalled that I have blindly given you all the benefit of the
doubt for too long now. Yes, for too long you have failed to earn the
air you’ve been breathing by offering any kind of tangible quality
either as footballers or as people in general. As such, I feel it’s only
fair that your supply runs out forthwith.
'I trust, at this precise moment in time, that Mr Fenty is in his office
tapping away on the Easyjet web site booking you all one-way flights to
Zurich, complete with an overnight stay with our cheese eating friends
at Dignitas. Don’t bother packing your toothbrush - you won’t need it.
'In the event that our beloved chairman can’t afford the expense
(understandable given that he’s soon going to have to assemble a new
squad from scratch), then I am prepared to sell my family (including my
unborn
child) to a dubious consortium of Middle Eastern businessmen in order to
pay for the flights. Christ, I’ll drive you there myself, one-by one,
without sleep, if I have to.
'Failing that, understanding that most dubious Middle Eastern
businessmen are tied-up purchasing Premier League football clubs, I ask
you to please take matters into your hands. Use your imagination, guys -
strangle yourselves or cover yourself in tinfoil and take a fork to a
nearby plug socket, or something. Just put yourselves and us fans out of
our collective misery.
'So, in summary, you pack of repugnant, sputum-filled, invertebrate
bards; leave this club now and don’t you fking dare look back.
You’ve consistently demonstrated less passion and desire than can
commonly be found within the contents of a sloth’s scrotum, so frankly
you can just all f*k off - don’t pass go, don’t collect your wages,
don’t ever come back to this town again.
'I look forward to you serving me at my local McDonald’s drive-thru in
the near future.
‘Yours sincerely
A very disillusioned Mariner’
In case you were also wondering, Grimsby are currently second-bottom of
the Football League having won just one of their eight home matches this
season.